Saturday, December 04, 2010

Seekretya Excerpt

Per Spockgirl's request, I've decided to relent and post the first chapter of Seekretya, my latest NaNoWriMo effort.  I hope you all like it and leave many many nice comments (please, please be gentle):


Chapter 1: “School’s out for summer.  School’s out completely.”

“Good bye everyone, have a great summer.”

“Good bye Miss Chantal.”  Most of the first grade class cheered as they filed out of the classroom in an orderly fashion.  Adela Chantal stood behind her desk smiling as they went by.  Then she felt a presence at her right hip.  She turned to see Jacquee Kraepper looking up at her with those big brown eyes.

“Yes Jacquee, may I help you?”

“You look so pretty in your blue dress Miss Chantal.”

“Thank you.  You look pretty in your bows,” she blushed and replied honestly.  Jacquee sighed.

“I hope you and that man have a nice summer.”

“Do you mean Mr. Fisher?”

“Yes, he seems like a nice man and you are such a nice lady.  You should have a nice man.”

“Well, thank you Jacquee.  I do like him a lot.”

Jacquee sighed again, this time with an enormous smile.  “Well, I gotta go.”  And with that she ran out of the classroom.

Adela sighed herself and sat down at her desk.

“Adela are you coming to the happy hour later?”  Debbie Carrie stuck her head in Adela’s classroom.

“No, I have some work to do yet and then I have my second job to get to.”

Monica Olg walked up beside Debbie and asked her in a mumble if Adela were coming.  Debbie shook her head and mouthed the word, “modeling.”

“Do you have a photo-shoot today?”  Monica asked.

Adela shrugged and kept her head down to hide the blush, but her ears turned visibly red and gave her away, “Yes, I have a job later this afternoon.”

Debbie sneered, but Monica stood a bit straighter and tightened her core as best she could.   Debbie nudged her in the ribs and motioned for them to leave.  “Ok then, bye.”


Monica stayed at the door and wondered at Adela’s hair and her delicate arms and perfect skin.  Debbie hooked her arm with her elbow and pulled.  “Com’on,” she said.

“She seems lonely.”   Monica said when they had stepped away.

“She’s a model, she’s gorgeous.  She’s got all the men she can handle.  Let’s go get a drink.”

Adela arranged the things on her desk and then looked up at the classroom.  She would be teaching summer school in that room so she didn’t have to clean it out, but she and the children had taken down all of their things and they had packed away most of the student materials.  The room looked dead.  The weather wasn’t making her feel any better, outside the sky was filled with clouds and they had decided to be mysterious as to where and when they would rain.  It wasn’t raining on her windows when she looked up, but she could see the other half of the school was getting wet again.

Her phone rang.  It was Jude.  She brightened enough for the whole sky.

“Hi Jude.”

“Hello Adela.  How are you?”

“I’m fine,” she crossed her legs and relaxed at her desk, “How are you?”

“Uh, okay.  I’m okay, I was wondering if you’re free this afternoon after work.”

“Well, I have a bit more paperwork to do, but then I have another job.”

“Where is it?”

“At the studio on Narragansett Avenue.”


“Hey, why don’t you meet me there?”

“I don’t know.”

“You could see me work and then we could get something to eat.  How does that sound?”

“If you’re there it sounds terrific,” he laughed lightly.

She smiled, “Good, you know where the studio is, right?”

“Sure, sure.”

“Then I’ll see you around five thirty?”

“Yes I think I can make it.”

“You’d better,” she said playfully, but immediately she dropped her smile, “I mean, I hope you do.  I’m looking forward to it.”

“Okay, thanks.”

“Thank you.  See you later Jude.”

“Bye.”  He went silent, but didn’t hang up until he heard her hang up.  He always did that.  She smiled, said, “Later” under her breath and clicked the phone off.

After completing her paperwork Adela took her VW Beetle to the studio, nervous as usual.  She didn’t listen to any music and kept drumming her fingers on the wheels.  They would have her clothes there waiting, with the camera and the lights.  Her head started to hurt.

The studio was a storefront operation, with the parking in the rear.  It was always quite busy with people going in and out almost constantly, but you could only get back to the parking lot by going through a narrow opening between the buildings.  Adela parked her car and locked the doors.

“Miss Chantal?”

She jumped, she was so startled.  By an over large, black SUV stood a tall, well-built and well-dressed man in his much later middle ages.  He had a tight beard that was entirely white, white hair in an attractive style and he wore a well-tailored suit, and expensive shoes; and carried a platinum handled cane.

“May I help you?   Do I know you?”  She put her hand in her purse to reach for her phone and her pepper spray.

“There is no need for that,” he said with a clipped British accent, “We do not know each other.  At least, you don’t know me, but I know of you, and I’m here to pick up you.”  He smiled, but it was more like a tiger bearing his teeth than a show of friendship.

“Who are you, what do you mean?”

He took a step toward her, away from his vehicle and stood like he was preparing for a fight, legs widely spaced and on the balls of his feet.  From behind him, four shorter men appeared through the SUV doors. 
They were all about four feet tall with none over four and a half, but they were broader than the older gentleman.  They too all had beards, but theirs were black or dark brown.  They had heavy brows and dark, hairy skin.  They wore dark hoodies that hid their eyes and jeans over heavy boots.  The shorter men moved in to surround her car and Adela.

“We can do this the hard way or the easy way.”

She tried to pull out her cell phone, but a huge, strong hand shot out and pinned her hand before she could get it out.  She followed the hand up the arm to the dark, serious face of the short man.  He snarled at her, but she was glad he made no attempt to get the phone out of her hand.  Though her wrist and arm were immobile she could still move her fingers on the phone.

“What do you want?”  She asked loudly.   “What do you want?”

The tall man smiled, but showed less teeth.  “I told you, we came for you.”

She tried to free her hand, but the hand that held it, though not painful, was immovable, as if she had been locked in handcuffs.  She moved her fingers on the phone inside her purse, unseen from her captors.  If she dialed 911 they would hear the answer, but she could text.  She quickly, blindly texted Jude.  She had never been good at texting and she hoped he got the message.

“Please don’t make it the, ‘hard way.’  I really don’t want to hurt you.”

“I don’t mind,” a grumbly voice on her right said.  She glanced to see that it was her captor, still smiling a sneer that made him more hideous than he really was.  His eyes still hidden in shadow.

The tall man stepped up next to her and bent forward slightly.  "My name is Giles.  You are going to get in the vehicle and we are going to the airport."

Giles' breath was fresh and he has a very slight scent of a nice cologne on him.  He smiled.  "You will go with us, I assure you."  He nodded and a second short man grasped her free arm.  Giles stood up and took a step back.  The short men on either side of Adela grasped tighter and lifted her by her arms.

She kicked and twisted; she shouted and looked around to try to get someone's attention, but despite the fact that it was still daylight, there was not a soul around.   The only entrance on the parking lot side was an emergency exit.

The short but heavy men moved her to the vehicle, but she made it as difficult as possible, using everything she had learned in her self-defense class.  The hand that wasn’t holding the phone was out and she tried to dig her nails in the man’s arm.  He didn’t seem to notice.  She kicked at them and hit several times, but they made no sign on pain.

Giles opened the back passenger door.  Adela put one foot on each side of the door frame and pushed away.  With normal men this sudden and violent move would have at least knocked them back; loosening their grip, but these men had a much lower center of gravity and didn’t even rock back.  She did manage to keep from going in, but it was a stalemate.

Giles leaned forward and shook his head.  “This is indeed the hard way.  Now, we have two choices, to push you hard enough to break your legs and put you in the vehicle, or to strike,” he swung his cane with lightning speed stopping only a hair’s breadth from her kneecap, “Thusly.  You have two choices as well.  You can relax your legs and get in the vehicle, or you can pass the decision on,” he lifted his cane, she flinched, “to us.”

Adela struggled with her arms, trying to free them to claw at Giles or her detainers.  The struggle was short lived, and before Giles could nod again to his companions, she relaxed.  Giles smiled, “Very sensible of you.”

“I’ll find some other way to get away.”  She stood on her own feet again.

“No, you won’t.”

She breathed deeply and nodded.  “Alright, I’ll get in.” The short men with the iron grip released her.  She smoothed her dress and looked up at Giles, “Where are we going?”

Giles took a breath to answer, but before he could get a single word out, she twisted, jumped and darted from between the two men who had been holding her.  She ran for the exit of the parking lot, but she had forgotten that four short men had gotten out of the black SUV.  The other two were blocking the narrow parking lot exit.  She ran at them anyway, darting like a broken field running back.  The men didn’t follow her moves with anything but their eyes.  When she dove to try to get past them by going over, they managed to maneuver so the they caught her in mid-air.

She struggled and twisted.  She shouted again, trying to see out of the parking lot to see if anyone was walking or driving past.  She was getting hot and tired from the struggling, her skin was raw from being held and she was bruised.  These men were tougher than any she had ever had in her kick-boxing class.

She relaxed a moment to try to catch her breath.  Giles was next to her.

“You are fighting admirably, and I can empathize with your determination since we are in fact strangers who are abducting you.  I really wish you would do this the easy way; it really wouldn’t be that bad.  We really aren’t bad, people.”

“I’m not going with you.  You can break my legs if you want,” she snarled.

Giles put his hand to his chest and looked sincerely pained to hear her.  “I really didn’t mean to cause you any harm.  I did forget though, that we had a third option besides violence to your lovely legs.” 

She wasn’t sure what he was going to do, but her mind raced to see what other option she might have.  She still, after all the struggles had her hand on her phone in her purse, she tapped a few more commands.  Jude had done something to her phone the last time they were together, some tracker thing or a link to her GPS.

Giles withdrew his handkerchief from within his coat.

Adela had thought the phone thing had been creepy at the time, but she tried desperately to remember how to start it, if she actually needed to do anything.  Could he follow her?

Giles moved closer and held his handkerchief up to Adela’s face.  Too late she realized that it was drugged with Chloroform to make her sleep.  She was breathing heavily to begin with so when he put the handkerchief to her face she took a lung-full and began feeling the effect immediately.

“No,” she whispered, but it was no use.


Spockgirl said...

Thanks for posting this. Sorry.. I am laughing. You got me at a kid named J. Krapper with big brown eyes.

Would make a cool Disney movie screenplay. I can actually picture it in my head.

And... I know I should be more onnstructive however you set the tone with the kid Kraepper bit, which works extremely well. I hope that was what you were going for.

Inner Prop said...

Actually, that wasn't what I was going for at all with that name. I guess I'll have to change it.

I was going for the main character in the song "Puff the Magic Dragon," little Jackie Paper, but I had mistakenly thought the name was Kraeper not Paper. It was the first dragon related name I could think of.

The brown eyes are for my wife and daughter.

It's funny how sometimes we think we're being too obvious in one direction and find out readers take it in an entirely different direction.

I was aiming at a children's based story that adults could like as well. If Disney, or ANYBODY would call with a film offer, I'd be more than happy.

Spockgirl said...

I am absolutely positive when I typed the comment that I wrote "constructive", not "onnstructive". That is just weird.

As for the name Kraepper. I had a feeling you were going for the long "A" sound, but when I read things, I register and visualize BOTH audio AND video. I'm not sure if this is a common thing or not. I have nothing against brown eyes, it was just the combination of Krapper and brown eyes. Plus I have a weird sense of humour. And, NO, you should NOT change the name. That is what makes the piece something uniquely written by you. And.. I know you said it was a children's story. You have to think on the lines of if you WERE a kid reading that and you weren't sure how to pronounce the name Kraepper. But I reiterate... do NOT change it, even if it wasn't what you were going for.

Inner Prop said...

I had a commenter that told me that "Guya Principal" was too salacious and sounded like an adolescent wrote it. I did quite a bit of editing based on that before I realized, I was going for the adolescent male audience.

I will take it under serious consideration though.

Problem is, I went through three of four spelling conventions before deciding that I was going to spell everything the way I say it, phonetically and let the readers decide when they read to their kids.

I left out most of the Cs because they are ambigous. All my Ys are yeh sounding and never a long E to avoid that ambiguity.

I left off using an e at the end of a word to make the previous vowel long, because I think that's dumb. When I wanted to indicate a long vowel I added a vowel right after it.

Can Krae be pronounced any differently than K-R-[long]A?

I don't mean for this response to sound angry, I REALLY REALLY REALLY appreciate you reading and commenting. I'm just explaining what I was thinking.

I think names are extremely important and the ones in the first chapter doubly so. This girl doesn't appear any where else in the book, so if she doesn't set the mood correctly, then off with her head (so to speak), maybe.

Spockgirl said...

OMG... I had a long comment written up and it just disappeared. There is no way I am going to remember it all.

Spockgirl said...

I'm back, but as I cannot remember what my original thoughts were for my previous comment, I'll just start over.

I had figured that you were going for the phonetic approach, just by reading the title. The Kraepper name made me laugh because I see things on many levels. As it was a children's story I guessed that this was NOT intentional, but you never know. I still think you should leave it as is. In all likelihood a child reading it might not make the humourous connection I did, but other "grown-ups" might, which would enhance the reading experience for both.