Friday, March 18, 2011
Here are two that I wrote last year. Please be advised that the second one is for adults only and not for children. It does not contain any explicit language, but, trust me, if you don't want any uncomfortable questions you will not share it with anyone under 21 before cleaning it up (you can substitute "kissing" in the appropriate places as you will see).
Lady Leprechaun Joke 2 (An alternate take on the concept, I actually wrote two different punch lines for this set up, but I think this one may be slightly more funny, that is to say, I think this one may be slightly funny)
One day a man was walking through the woods when he spotted a movement in the bushes, thinking it was a leprechaun he pounced on it and grabbed at the creature.
"Lay your hands off me yeh brut."
"Ah ha, I caught you leprechaun!" The man exclaimed and then feeling what he had in his hands and seeing the long red hair flowing out under the bonnet he realized his error, "You're a girl leprechaun!"
"Ah'm a lady leprechaun if you please."
"A lady leprechaun," he let her go but kept his eyes on her. She was wearing what looked like the kind of outfit a girl Irish dancer would wear, but she was only about six inches tall. Her skin was beautiful and freckled, her hair was wavy and copper, her eyes were the deepest green. In a word she was gorgeous.
"Do lady leprechauns have crocks'o'gold?"
"No, and yeh probably heard of me bruther, the three wish leprechaun, I don't have that neither."
"So what happens when someone catches a lady leprechaun?"
"Yeh get the best reward of them all, me."
He raised an eyebrow, "You?"
Immediately she became red in the face angry, "I know what yer thinkin boyo, and what do yeh take me fer, a hussy in the street? No ye'll get no lovin' from me."
She vanished. The man stood up and scratched his head. Figuring it was just some leprechaun trick he continued on his way. Later that day when he got home he realized that he had misjudged her.
His house was spotless. There were curtains in the windows where there had been sheets, the dirty clothes he had left on the floor were not only picked up they were washed, ironed and put away. His house was clean, his clothes were clean, there was a table cloth on the dining room table with a flower arrangement and he could smell the wonderful aroma of hot dinner wafting from the kitchen.
He went into the kitchen and found the lady leprechaun hovering in front of the stove.
"Ah, there you are finally. Wipe yer muddy boots and get cleaned up fer supper."
"But I thought you had vanished."
"No, yeh caught the lady leprechaun fair and square so you get me. By that I mean, I'll keep yer house fer yeh, clean yer things, make yer meals, all of me, everything but you'll get no lovin' from me."
She made supper and served him. When he was finished she got his slippers and made his bed ready. In the morning she had a bath and breakfast ready. She laid out his clothes.
On the weekend he went out to the bars. On Friday he met a girl that he really liked and he brought her home.
She was shocked at how nice and clean his house was. Then she looked at him with narrow eyes.
"You've got another woman."
"Yes you do. I can't be with a man who two times his woman. Good bye." She slammed the door when she left.
It went on like that for years. Every time he brought a woman home she would insist that he had another woman or he lived with his mother or he was gay.
Finally, after years of living with the leprechaun the man met a nice Irish woman and brought her home.
She too was impressed at the clean and beautified state of his house. "My goodness what a lovely home yeh have."
"Yeh don't live with another woman do yeh, or with yer mother?"
"No, I don't live with another woman or my mother."
"Then it must be a leprechaun."
"Yes, how did you know?"
"Ah've heard tell, from me dear mother. Tell me is it a lady leprechaun?"
With that the lady leprechaun appeared between the two big people.
"Yes it is," the man said.
"Well hullo dahling." the leprechaun smiled broadly at the woman. To the man she said, "Now yeh've finally brought a proper Irish woman home."
The leprechaun led the woman to the kitchen and the two sat and had a lovely tea. The man sat in the room as well, but he didn't say a word.
Afterwards the woman said that she had to be getting home so the man walked her home. On the doorstep he dropped to one knee and proposed.
She was amused and confused, "Ah think yer a great guy, but ah've got to ask you a question. With the leprechaun there to cook and clean and keep yer house, what do you need a wife for?"
Astonished, he said, "I can't remember!"
ADULT - Three Leprechauns - ADULT
A man was walking in the woods in Ireland one day when he heard tiny voices arguing. He followed the sounds until he found three little people in the hollow under a tree. He knew immediately that they were a leprechaun and two lady leprechauns.
"Ah ha! I caught three leprechauns, now you have to give me your crock'o'golds!"
"Excuse me," one of the lady leprechauns said, "can't you see we're having an argument here."
"Right, a domestic squabble," the other lady leprechaun said, "so have some manners."
"And it's crocks'o'gold anyways," the leprechaun said, but before the last word was out of his mouth the ladies had started in on him again.
"Excuse me," the man said, "but what's the argument about?"
"Well, it's domestic, which means, butt out." the first lady leprechaun said.
"Yes, but you see I'm a marriage counselor and perhaps I can help."
"Well, alright. The crux of the matter is we want children."
"Both of you, you're not both married to him are you?"
"No, of course not, but it is the twenty first century afterall."
"Ok, so he's unable to give you children?"
"Unable or unwilling." The second lady leprechaun said.
"All himself here does is perform cunnilingus on us, day and night."
"Right, now don't get us wrong, we enjoy ourselves we do."
"Do we ever."
"But we want children."
"Alright. Well, Mr. Leprechaun, what do you have to say for yourself?"
"I can't help meself, they're magically delicious."
Well, anyways, Happy St. Patrick's Day. I had a pretty poor one, I lost my copy of The Quiet Man and I didn't get to drink any Guinness since I had to go to a meeting at school. Worst of all, I didn't write any new jokes.
I beat myself up over not continuing what I had tried to start as a tradition and this morning I came up with one. I hope you like it.
I 'm going to have to remedy this, but I'm going to do it in two posts, this one and the next one, more to come…]
The Dancing Leprechaun
One fine Spring morning a man named O'Boyle was walking through a stand of trees after a long, unprofitable night tending his largely unsuccessful bar. It had rained over night and the ground and new buds were covered in soft moistness.
By the barest chance the man spotted a glint of shiny metal out of the corner of his eye. He walked closer to the glint and realized it was a golden glimmer. As he walked even closer he noticed that the sun had just come up and a rainbow had formed right overhead.
As he brushed aside a low bush he finally saw what he had been looking for. There, smack in a small clearing within this small stand of trees was the end of the rainbow and right under that was a huge pot made entirely of gold. Around the pot danced a tiny little man, all dressed in green, with a pipe and a beard and a shillelagh.
The little man was dancing furiously, but there was no music. As O'Boyle approached as quietly as he could he noticed that the wee man had his eyes closed as he danced, which was what probably allowed him to get that close. Before either O'Boyle or the leprechaun knew, O'Boyle reached out and grabbed the little man round the waist with one hand.
"I've got you!"
"Oh my, deary me. You gave me such a fright."
"I've got you now, haven't I?"
The leprechaun was completely crestfallen, "That you do, that you do. And me dancing has finally been me downfall. I suppose you'll be wanting me crock o' gold now, and fair won ye."
O'Boyle was intrigued. He had heard that leprechauns were wily and deceitful; this capture seemed far too easy. "Why were you dancing with your eyes closed anyway?" He asked.
"Ah well, that's me other foible, I can't play neither pipe nor fiddle. I have to imagine the music in me head, and Saint's preserve me, I can't keep from dancing."
"That gives me an idea," O'Boyle said, seeing the true sadness and distress on the man's face, "You can keep your pot of gold on one condition."
"What's that, tell me quick, my heart is racing so."
"You can keep your pot of gold as long as each and every weekend you come and dance at my bar."
The leprechaun's miniscule eyes lit up, "Done!" He said in an instance and it was. With that he disappeared, along with his pot and the rainbow.
O'Boyle might have chalked it all up to a waking dream, except that the very next weekend when the Irish band he had hired for the evening started to play.
They were a good, but undiscovered band and O'Boyle's was the only gig they could get. As they started playing, O'Boyle was surprised to find the leprechaun appear right before his eyes standing on the bar.
"Ah, a fine Irish band," the leprechaun said, his toes already tapping. Immediately he started into a jig. He danced all night, jigs, reels, and when he did the line dancing he made it appear as if there were a dozen little men dancing on the bar in perfect unison, just like the River Dance.
The few patrons of the bar were astonished. They called there friends and the crowd grew bigger as the night grew longer. The next night, Saturday, the word had spread far and wide, and the bar was packed full from opening to last call. Immediately it was a complete success.
The next weekend was much the same; the only difference being that with the crowds came people of the music industry. The band was discovered and signed a record contract on the spot Saturday night.
O'Boyle was a bit concerned, because the Irish band told him that they couldn't play anymore since they were going to be busy in the studio. He worked all week and finally found a Greek band who he could sign.
Again, the band was actually very good, just unknown. On Friday night when they began to play the leprechaun appeared. He was astonished.
"What's this? Where'd me countrymen go?"
"This is the new band."
"But, but this is Greek. I don't know if you noticed, but I'm Irish."
"I know, but this is the band and you and I have a deal."
"I know. I keep me crock as long as I dance."
O'Boyle nodded. The leprechaun shrugged, pulled out his handkerchief, leapt off the bar shouting, "Opa!" and started a line dance that lasted until closing.
Again it was a tremendous success. Saturday was the same. Two weeks later, the Greek band was signed to a record contract and they were gone.
The next week when the leprechaun appeared with the first chords of music he was surprised to find a mariachi band had replaced the Greek one.
"You expect me to dance to this? I don't know a word of Spanish. How will I know what the dance is about?"
"If you don't dance I get your pot of gold," O'Boyle calmly reminded him.
"Ah well, I suppose a deal is a deal. Tell me, do I get free margaritas?" The leprechaun asked as he reluctantly made a tiny sombrero appear to replace his felt hat.
"Sure, why not." O'Boyle smiled, and the leprechaun danced the night away.
That band was discovered in the very first weekend. The next weekend the little leprechaun appeared just as the accordions limbered up.
"What in heaven's name is this O'Boyle?!" The leprechaun exclaimed.
"The mariachi band was signed to a record contract. This is the new band. They're fresh from Warsaw."
"But, but, I can't dance to this!"
"You have to. If you don't dance I get your pot of gold."
"Now," began the leprechaun in full rant mode, "You had an Irish band and I gave you the Riverdance." He ticked off the bands with is tiny fingers, "Then you brought in a Greek band and I did Greek dancing with the jumping and the handkerchiefs, then you brought in a mariachi band and I did the Mexican hat dance all night." He had built himself up into a lather. He spit out his pipe, and threw his hat down on the bar, "Now you bring in a Polka band?"
He walked over and pointed his finger right at O'Boyle's nose, "Well, crock o' gold or no, I draw the line at Pole dancing."