Friday, March 18, 2011

Happy Belated St. Patrick's Day 2010

As I stated in my previous post, I thought I had started a tradition writing jokes for St. Patrick's Day and posting them here.  I find that I have not actually posted any of my St. Patrick's Day jokes.  I am going to remedy that today.

Here are two that I wrote last year.  Please be advised that the second one is for adults only and not for children.  It does not contain any explicit language, but, trust me, if you don't want any uncomfortable questions you will not share it with anyone under 21 before cleaning it up (you can substitute "kissing" in the appropriate places as you will see).

Lady Leprechaun Joke 2 (An alternate take on the concept, I actually wrote two different punch lines for this set up, but I think this one may be slightly more funny, that is to say, I think this one may be slightly funny)

One day a man was walking through the woods when he spotted a movement in the bushes, thinking it was a leprechaun he pounced on it and grabbed at the creature.

"Lay your hands off me yeh brut."

"Ah ha, I caught you leprechaun!" The man exclaimed and then feeling what he had in his hands and seeing the long red hair flowing out under the bonnet he realized his error, "You're a girl leprechaun!"

"Ah'm a lady leprechaun if you please."

"A lady leprechaun," he let her go but kept his eyes on her. She was wearing what looked like the kind of outfit a girl Irish dancer would wear, but she was only about six inches tall. Her skin was beautiful and freckled, her hair was wavy and copper, her eyes were the deepest green. In a word she was gorgeous.

"Do lady leprechauns have crocks'o'gold?"

"No, and yeh probably heard of me bruther, the three wish leprechaun, I don't have that neither."

"So what happens when someone catches a lady leprechaun?"

"Yeh get the best reward of them all, me."

He raised an eyebrow, "You?"

Immediately she became red in the face angry, "I know what yer thinkin boyo, and what do yeh take me fer, a hussy in the street? No ye'll get no lovin' from me."

She vanished. The man stood up and scratched his head. Figuring it was just some leprechaun trick he continued on his way. Later that day when he got home he realized that he had misjudged her.

His house was spotless. There were curtains in the windows where there had been sheets, the dirty clothes he had left on the floor were not only picked up they were washed, ironed and put away. His house was clean, his clothes were clean, there was a table cloth on the dining room table with a flower arrangement and he could smell the wonderful aroma of hot dinner wafting from the kitchen.

He went into the kitchen and found the lady leprechaun hovering in front of the stove.

"Ah, there you are finally. Wipe yer muddy boots and get cleaned up fer supper."

"But I thought you had vanished."

"No, yeh caught the lady leprechaun fair and square so you get me. By that I mean, I'll keep yer house fer yeh, clean yer things, make yer meals, all of me, everything but you'll get no lovin' from me."

"Well, ok."

She made supper and served him. When he was finished she got his slippers and made his bed ready. In the morning she had a bath and breakfast ready. She laid out his clothes.

On the weekend he went out to the bars. On Friday he met a girl that he really liked and he brought her home.

She was shocked at how nice and clean his house was. Then she looked at him with narrow eyes.

"You've got another woman."

"What? No."

"Yes you do. I can't be with a man who two times his woman. Good bye." She slammed the door when she left.

It went on like that for years. Every time he brought a woman home she would insist that he had another woman or he lived with his mother or he was gay.

Finally, after years of living with the leprechaun the man met a nice Irish woman and brought her home.

She too was impressed at the clean and beautified state of his house. "My goodness what a lovely home yeh have."

"Thank you."

"Yeh don't live with another woman do yeh, or with yer mother?"

"No, I don't live with another woman or my mother."

"Then it must be a leprechaun."

"Yes, how did you know?"

"Ah've heard tell, from me dear mother. Tell me is it a lady leprechaun?"

With that the lady leprechaun appeared between the two big people.

"Yes it is," the man said.

"Well hullo dahling." the leprechaun smiled broadly at the woman. To the man she said, "Now yeh've finally brought a proper Irish woman home."

The leprechaun led the woman to the kitchen and the two sat and had a lovely tea. The man sat in the room as well, but he didn't say a word.

Afterwards the woman said that she had to be getting home so the man walked her home. On the doorstep he dropped to one knee and proposed.

She was amused and confused, "Ah think yer a great guy, but ah've got to ask you a question. With the leprechaun there to cook and clean and keep yer house, what do you need a wife for?"

Astonished, he said, "I can't remember!"

ADULT - Three Leprechauns - ADULT

A man was walking in the woods in Ireland one day when he heard tiny voices arguing. He followed the sounds until he found three little people in the hollow under a tree. He knew immediately that they were a leprechaun and two lady leprechauns.

"Ah ha! I caught three leprechauns, now you have to give me your crock'o'golds!"

"Excuse me," one of the lady leprechauns said, "can't you see we're having an argument here."

"Right, a domestic squabble," the other lady leprechaun said, "so have some manners."

"And it's crocks'o'gold anyways," the leprechaun said, but before the last word was out of his mouth the ladies had started in on him again.

"Excuse me," the man said, "but what's the argument about?"

"Well, it's domestic, which means, butt out." the first lady leprechaun said.

"Yes, but you see I'm a marriage counselor and perhaps I can help."

"Well, alright. The crux of the matter is we want children."

"Both of you, you're not both married to him are you?"

"No, of course not, but it is the twenty first century afterall."

"Ok, so he's unable to give you children?"

"Unable or unwilling." The second lady leprechaun said.

"All himself here does is perform cunnilingus on us, day and night."

"Right, now don't get us wrong, we enjoy ourselves we do."

"Do we ever."

"But we want children."

"Alright. Well, Mr. Leprechaun, what do you have to say for yourself?"

"I can't help meself, they're magically delicious."

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