tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20638786.post114246509802163138..comments2021-07-11T19:02:15.294-05:00Comments on Illini 6: At the Front GateInner Prophttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16322632457004892062noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20638786.post-1144080009286967312006-04-03T11:00:00.000-05:002006-04-03T11:00:00.000-05:00Forrest,The only place where I can see confusion i...Forrest,<BR/><BR/>The only place where I can see confusion is when I explained that Sergeant First Class is SFC. I admit that wasn't as clear as it could be. <BR/><BR/>Why would she address the narrator as "sir" if the narrator wasn't male (he is me in fact)? Also, why would she describe herself in the third person if she were the narrator herself?<BR/><BR/>"I was leery about putting a woman in charge of Local Nationals. Until recently a woman could be stoned in Afghanistan because her husband didn’t like the way she folded his shirts. <BR/><BR/>"But SFC P is not your average woman." This explains that SFC P is in charge of the LNs. <BR/><BR/>"She’s taller than the most Afghan men and a whole lot louder. When she steps outside our tent office to have a private conversation she might as well stay inside. She’s the voice of FOB Salerno." This explains that SFC P is "the voice."<BR/><BR/>I don't see where the confusion is. I didn't use names because I didn't get permission from SFC P and most of this was too close to the truth. If SFC P and the use of the first person pronoun for myself is confusing I'm not sure how to make it more clear, make the word restriction and protect the innocent.<BR/><BR/>BTW, the monkey's name was Dusty.<BR/><BR/>Thanks for the comments.Inner Prophttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16322632457004892062noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20638786.post-1143982466460389562006-04-02T07:54:00.000-05:002006-04-02T07:54:00.000-05:00I read this 3 times. And you lose me at the beginn...I read this 3 times. And you lose me at the beginning. John already mentioned the grammar. I'll leave well enough alone.<BR/><BR/>However, in the beginning, I can't tell if the "voice" of the narrator is male or female or if the "voice" and the woman in charge of local nationals is the same person or not. I don't think so, but using a name or names would have straightened it out. I stil don't know who is who. You lose your audience in the first 6 paragraphs.<BR/><BR/>Forrest HunterAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20638786.post-1142622836983385682006-03-17T13:13:00.000-06:002006-03-17T13:13:00.000-06:00Basic Grammar on dialog - when you have a person s...Basic Grammar on dialog - when you have a person say something, and then stick in an identifier of who just talked, you can't use a period between the two parts.<BR/><BR/>Wrong Example:<BR/><BR/>"Don't look at me." I told the monkey.<BR/><BR/>Right Example:<BR/><BR/>"Don't look at me," I told the monkey.<BR/><BR/>If the first part ends with a question mark or exclamation mark, it is okay to leave those as is. But if the first part ends with a period, you have to replace the period with a comma when you tack on the non-quote part.<BR/><BR/>These are okay:<BR/><BR/>"Are you looking at me?" I asked.<BR/>"Stop looking!" I yelled.<BR/>"Okay, look now," I stated.<BR/><BR/>Your writing is interesting, but your odds of publishing are really bad when you make this simple error, since dialog is the heart of the best stories.<BR/><BR/>John GilbertAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20638786.post-1142619735088625372006-03-17T12:22:00.000-06:002006-03-17T12:22:00.000-06:00Nice. I had a SK2 M who was cut of the same cloth...Nice. I had a SK2 M who was cut of the same cloth. She found stuff for us in the least likely places. Her hubby was a GMC with SPECWAR.Citizen Deuxhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18425085335850663316noreply@blogger.com